Beneath the Surface
by famouslastturd
Summary: Everyone thinks that they know him. That all he is, is a bully that doesn't give a crap. But in reality, he is just an insecure boy who is misunderstood. And beneath the surface, Fitz actually is a decent guy.
1. All Falls Down

**This is for the few people out there that actually felt bad for Fitz by the end of the boiling point, because all he wanted was a simple apology from Eli, but instead got poisoned by epicac. And yes, I know that he took it too far when he fake stabbed Eli, but he ended up getting a real, sincere apology right? Oh and this is kind of a prolouge and if i decide to continue this story, the later chapters will be written once season 10 continues in fall. Anyway..Eclare is promised but this story is just to get into a little more depth of Mark Fitzgerald...because deep down, I know he is a sweet guy :) POV's will probaly change in each chapter. And this is my first story, so sorry if it sucks. Oh and Degrassi owns everything..not me...sadly..**

Fitz POV

That was the last straw. I am not letting that emo punk ass get away with slipping Ipecac into my drink, and having me barf right infront of everyone at school. You'd think that blaming me for setting of a stink bomb and sending me to jail was already enoungh punishment for ripping off that stupid skull on his corpse car, but no. He had to push me even more. I mean seriously, when would that kid give it a rest? Did he not know that I could easily send him to the hospital with just five damn minutes with him? Then I thought of his girlfriend,Clare. She'd probably hate my guts after what I'm about to do to her little emo lover. So for her sake, I wouldn't send him to the hospital, but I will not let him just slip out of my fingers this time. I creeped down a few empty halls passing by the endless rows of lockers, with the knife suddenly starting to feel heavier in my back pocket.

" Eli, he has a knife!" I heard Clare say.

I shot my head towards the sound of her voice and spotted them"Aww..don't you two look cute" I said with a smirk while taking out my knife.

"I think you should go." Clare chocked, while slowly backing away while I stalked towards them.

"And make pretty boy make time with my date?"

"Please Fitz, don't do this." She pleaded. I almost reconsidered for a split second, but she was probably involved with Eli's little plan too. So I just shook off the little guilt I had in doing what I was about to do. This punk needed to learn his lesson.

"Shut up bitch!" I shouted, not really caring about her feelings anymore. She obviously liked emo boy way more than me to still put up with shit all of the time.

"Go away from me." Eli murmered while pushing Clare aside as if I were going to hurt her too. The thought alone made me sick..stabbing her beautiful porcelain skin...ugh. This chick is really starting to turn me into a sap.

"Look, I'm sorry about before. About everything. You win." He said in a surprisingly calm voice. But the look in his eyes made it evident that on the inside, he was terrified.

"Yeah, I've heard that before." I spat as I gave him a push.

"Stop, I'm serious" He spoke in a low, panicked voice.

"So am I. You've had this coming for a while." I spoke as I gave him another shove. "What's wrong emo boy? Out of smart ass comments?" I spoke louder, cornering him.

"Please..don't do this." Eli begged. I think I even saw a few tears in his green eyes...what a wuss.

"Someone's gotta shut you up." And so I did. I drove the knife towards him, barely missing him. I heard Clare scream from behind as the knife dug into the wall. I almost laughed at how terrified Eli looked as he slowly sank to the floor, but instead I gave a sinister smile. I couldn't help but smile at the fact that I had won this stupid war that could have so easily ended long ago. _Yeah, that's right. No one messes with Mark Fitzgerald_. I chuckled inwardly.

Clare stumbled her way to Eli and started checking to see if he was injured. "Don't worry, you could bleach out urine stains." I laughed as I was sure that I scared the piss out of him.

"Hands up! No body move!" I turned around and saw a cop with a flash light pointed at me. Shit not again. Oh well. I was almost giddy at the moment. Not even being arrested could wipe the smirk off my face. I slowly raised my hands up as the officer ran towards me and motioned me to put my hands on the lockers to search me up and down.

As the officer led me to his car, I made sure to take a good look at this hell hole that they called school, because I might not ever see this place again. I threw one more death glare at Eli and saw a glimpse of Clare and her soft curls before the cop shoved me into the back of his car. I think I heard her say something about not being able to be with him any more too. THANK GOD. What the heck did she see in him anyways? He's short, skinny, rude, wears more makeup than she does on a daily basis, and he drives a damn hearse! On the other hand, she is smart, cute, considerate, and is probably actually going places in life. But I guess in a way, I'm kind of glad that she would even look twice at a guy like that. Because if she gave him the time of day, she could probably go out with a guy like me,right? I mean at least I don't look like a vampire and I am pretty ripped. Don't girls like that? But I also have to remember that Clare is no ordinary girl like Bianca or some other skank. I heard that she writes vampire fanfiction, so maybe Eli reminds her of some sort of Edward Cullen. Well I guess I can't compete with that..

As the car drove away from Degrassi, I thought about my mom and how dissapointed she would be when she finds out that I got arrested yet again and how I blew any chances I had with a girl that actually wasn't a slut. I thought about my dad, who probably didn't even give a damn about me getting arrested because he was probably drunk at a bar right now or hooking up with some prostitute. I thought about Eli and his transvestite friend, Adam and wondered if they would still hang out with Clare. I thought about what changes Simpson would make to the school because of the little commotion I caused. But most of all, I thought about Clare and how I hoped that she didn't think I was scum of the earth and that she would ditch that bastard of a boyfriend for good. But what difference does that make? Because I'm probably going to juvie and Clare Edwards will probably never talk to me again. Suddenly I felt as if a jagged blade was tearing through my insides. Is this what it's like to get your heart brocken? To have no more hope in this life? This is not supposed to happen to me. I do NOT get upset over girls. But I was only lying to myself, because I am indeed hurting _badly._ Maybe going to juvie is a good thing after all. That way I can forget about everything and anything about Clare Edwards and her gorgeous blue eyes. That way I can go back to being my normal cold hearted, insensitive, shallow self for good.

**That was the preview! And i know it sounds like i hate eli in this chapter but i dont! in fact, i love him! please review it took me a long time to write this and like i said its my first story. if your lucky i might post more chapters before the season continues in fall!**


	2. The Past

**First off I want to thank ALL of my wonderful reviewers!Even if there are only a few, each one means a lot to me :) And I wasn't supposed to post another chapter until degrassi continues, but summer is ending soon for me. so here's a short chapter. Hopefully the next chapters will be wayy longer. Oh and degrassi owns everything.**

Chapter 1: The Past

Fitz POV

I crawled under my covers as I heard heartbreaking sobs downstairs coming from my mother. _I thought I taught you better than that, Mark. I am so sorry that I failed you once again._ Those were the words that my mother said that kept repeating over and over again in my head. Her shaking her head in disappointment will haunt me for the rest of my life, but I couldn't really bring myself to regret what I did at the Night in Vegas dance. Nothing I will ever do in my life will make her proud anyway. Because whether I like it or not, I will always just be a disappointment. An embarressment. A jackass. A waste of space in this world. That's all I am and I just have to accept that this is who Mark Fitzgerald is. At least who I became within the last couple of years. After my whole life was basically torn apart and came crashing down.

Everytime I hear Mom cry it brings me back to that one day. That one God forsaken day that ruined _everything. _The day that Lily Fitzgerald died. To this day I still haven't completely registered how or why she died, because the point is that she was gone forever. She was never coming back. Ever since then, Dad became another person. He started to drink to take away the pain. And when that didn't work he'd drink some more and screw around with other women every night. I found a different way to deal with the pain though. I started hanging with people like Bruce the Moose and Owen and enjoyed other people's pain. It wasn't fair to bully people that never did anything to me, but in reality life isn't fair. If one of the sweetest, most wonderful person in the world had to die and all these other scum bags are still living, then I'm not going to treat anyone fairly. Because isn't life just a joke? After all Satan takes away people's lives as if it were one. But in a way I am being fair. If I had to suffer, then everyone else should suffer too.

As the years went by I just kept bullying more and more, until the point where I didn't even feel bad. To the point where I felt _nothing _for anyone anymore. I litterally wasn't Mark anymore, because I started making people address me as Fitz so I could leave my old, nicer self behind. Then one day a Christian curly haired girl walks by and starts to jack with my emotions. She reminded me that not all people in the world were bad and that there were still some people like Lily. She had the exact same striking blue eyes and she was smart too. And it didn't help that she never said anything mean to me, even when I kicked her emo friend in the nuts. And even though she hardly ever talked to me, I felt like I knew her. She made me feel like Mark again. And now I'll probaly never see the only person that put a smile on my face ever again. That thought alone almost brought tears to my eyes, but I foreced them back. I haven't cried since my big sister died so why should I cry over a girl who probably hates me?

I looked at the clock. _2:07 AM. Crap. _I still haven't fallen asleep yet. It was then when I realized that my mom stopped crying about me screwing up again. She was probably already asleep, so now was a good time to knock out on a couple of beers. I slowly opened my door and made my way through the dark until I could reach the light switch. I trugged down the stairs and opened the door of the fridge. A 6 pack should be enough right? I popped open the first bottle and chugged that one down in seconds. By the second bottle I could already feel my body start to ease and relax. Right when I was about to open the third bottle I heard someone bursting through the door. For a second I thought my mom was going to bust me until my dad walked in, or should I say stumbled in. I was expecting him to ask me why I was drinking beer at 2 in the morning but he just walked right past me and made a sad attempt at trying to go up the stairs. When he fell down on his back for the third time I decided that he needed some help if he planned on making his way to his room within the next hour. I walked towards his body which was currently sprawled accross the floor. I think he was already falling asleep. Man, I haven't seen him this wasted in a long time. Mom must have told him that I was arrested again and that I could possibly be going to juvie. I wonder how on earth was he able to drive back home? I shuddered at the thought of what could have happened on the drive back home from the bar. Well, he wasn't dead, so that's good. I knelt down and tried to pick him up but he was just too damn fat. Booze must go straight to the gut. And God his breath smelt like hell. Maybe I shouldn't drink that third bottle after all..

It took a little longer than it should have but I eventually dragged him up the stairs by his leg. I opened the door of the master bed room and was happy to see that Mom was still asleep. Just then I heard a loud bang from behind me. I guess I spoke too soon because mom shot out from her sleeping position. "Mark why are you up at this hour?" She croaked.

"Umm..Dad woke me up while entering the house. I was just helping him get to bed but I accidentally bumped his head into a wall." Or should I say smashed. That's going to leave a mark in the morning.

"Oh, should I help?" She said while taking off her covers.

"No, Mom. I got it." That was bullshit. It took all the power in my body to lift him off of the ground and into his bed. I am going to have to work out even more if this is going to be a daily routine. I was about to walk out the door before I turned around and whispered, "And mom...I'm sorry. For everything." I spoke as I quickly exited the room. I didn't want to hear her reaction and I didn't feel like talking any more.

I went back downstairs and drank and drank until the last thing I could remember before I knocked out was starring at a picture of my whole family back when life was actually okay and not completely screwed up. And I don't know if this part was a dream, but I might recall me actually shedding a single tear for how much of a monster I've become. Back when Lily was alive, I would have never gotten drunk just to stop myself from hurting. I was becoming more and more like my dad every day. If Lily were still alive today, I would have been happy and might have been going out with someone as wonderful as she was. Maybe I would even be going out with Clare if I won her heart before Dr. Doom did. But I'm a monster and my days of being normal are long gone. And my days of being happy are far in the past.

**Ok well that ended up being a little longer than expected. Well anyways I hoped you guys liked it and didn't fall asleep half way through :)**


	3. Misunderstandings

**Well you guys asked for it so here is a last minute chapter before school starts! and this chapter is from Clare's point of veiw for once but the next chapter will be back to fitz. and thanks so much for the nice reviews! you guys are AWESOME :D**

Chapter 2: Misunderstandings

Clare's POV

I woke up to the sound of screaming cuss words coming from my mother. What a wonderful way to start off your two week vacation. I looked at my bedside table and saw the corsage that Fitz gave me last night. I should probably throw that away, but it does look nice. I guess it wouldn't hurt to keep it as a decoration or something. I went downstairs to pour a cup of orange juice before I got ready to go to Grandma's house. For once, I absolutely couldn't wait to go to her house despite the boredom. Because if it meant not having to hear all of the screaming and shouting, I was up for about anything. "Good morning." I greeted. Of course no response. I bet they didn't even realize that I walked downstairs.

"You don't even have to go to work for another hour! Why can't you just sit down and have one decent meal with the family in the morning? That's all I ask!" Mom pleaded. Darn. I should have grabbed Eli's headphones before I came down here.

"You wouldn't understand, Helen! I'll be home tonight before dinner. I promise." Dad shouted. Yeah right, He probably wont even be home before breakfast tomorrow morning.

"That's what you've been saying this past week! But instead you come home at around 12 o'clock midnight! What are you hiding from me, Randall?" Oh no. Here come's the truth. And I'm almost positive that I do not want to hear the truth. _Please Lord. Not infront of me. If Dad really is cheating on Mom, at least let him tell her during break while I'm gone._

He was silent for a moment, before he said in a low voice, "Nothing Helen. Now I need to go." I was just about to thank God for answering my prayer before Mom said in a venomous voice, " Randall, if you walk out that door I swear I am getting a devorce."

Dad stopped in his tracks infront of the door. I was half expecting him to book it out of there, but instead he sat down at the dining table. "I thought so." Mom said with a sweet smile that was probably forced. " Now who wants waffles?"

"Mmmm, I know I do!" I said as enthusiastically as I possibly could to try to lighten the mood. No such luck. Now I have experienced dozens of awkward conversations since I am socially awkward, but this breakfast takes the winning prize. It was so silent that I had to scarf down the waffles in order to leave as fast as I could. "You know, there is still a few hours before you drop me off at Grammy's so I think I'm going to take a quick shower and go to The Dot." I said as I put my plates away.

I jumped in the shower and turned the water on burning hot. It still didn't relax all of my muscles though, but what ever. I let the water run down my body while trying to clear my mind from yesterday's horrible incident. I wondered what Eli was doing. Was he still even my boyfriend? Did we break up after one day? If he didn't change his revengeful ways, I am going to have to break up with him, even if it means breaking my heart. I mean how far was he willing to go in order to scare Fitz off? He could have been killed for goodness sakes! What would I have done if Fitz decided to move the knife a little to the left? That thought alone was so terrifying that I almost fell down on the shower floor. The point is that Eli is fine and unharmed, and that's all that matters. Maybe I can convince him to become a Christian, so he can learn to love his enemies and forgive people. But that's asking for a lot from Eli.

I rinsed off the rest of the soap and got out to blow dry my hair. Once the curls were about half way dry, I put on the first set of clothes I could find on from my dresser. I came down a little too early because my dad was still here. "I'll see you at six, Helen. Love you." Dad said unconvinceingly.

"Love you too honey." Mom said as she gake him one of the most awkward kisses ever. Maybe even more awkward than that make out session at Alli's party with Wesley...okay maybe not.

"I'll be back in two hours max. And I've already packed for Grandma's. See you later, Mom." I said quickly while putting on my jacket. I walked down the familiar street that took me to The Dot and arrived earlier than expected, because there were harldy any people there. I'm kind of glad though, because I bet everyone from school would ask questions about the "stabbing" and would accuse me of being a jerk for setting off the stink bomb if Simpson told everyone. "Morning Baby Edwards. You're up early. What can I get for you?" Peter said with a smile.

"Morning Peter. Umm one cup of regular coffe please. That'll be all."

"Alright, I'll be back in a few." He said while turning his way towards the kitchen before I remembered what Darcy told me on the phone last week. "Wait, Peter?"

"Hmm?" He said while turning around.

"Uh..Darcy wanted me to let you know that she m-misses you. A lot. And she's always asking how you are doing." I said while looking down. Ever since Darcy started dating him, I could never really function right when I was around him. It's not like I had feelings for him though. That would be weird. But a blind person could see that Peter was very good looking. And besides I was in love with Eli anyway.

"Tell her that I'm doing great and that college is fine. And tell her that I miss her a lot too." He said with a sad smile. Poor boy. The past two girls he's dated moved to a different country and left him behind. I could only image how much heartbreak he's been through.

Peter came back with my coffe and I made sure to drink really slowly. I did not want want to go back to the place that is supposed to be my home but surely doesn't feel like it. Just then, as if my day already wasn't dramatic enough from this morning, I heard someone walk through the door. I saw the person from the corner of my eye sit down at the other side of the resturant. I had a strong feeling that it was someone I knew and someone I particularly didn't want to see again for the rest of my life. I sneaked a quick glance at who this man was and of course, it was _him._ Crap, Crap, Crap! He probably thinks that I was apart of Eli's little poisoning plan! What if he hates me? What if he tries to kill me or something! Wasn't he like supposed to go to jail already? Maybe if I put my hood on, and walk out of here really fast, he wont notice me and I'll make it safely back home. I put down a five dollar bill which was a really big tip for just coffe, but I had no time to count out all the one dollar bills and coins. I got up quickly and was already half way to the door when I heard "Clare? Is that you?"

"Uhh..no?" I said in a foreign accent while trying to cover my face.

"Okay I might not be that smart, but I'm smart enough to know that that was the fakest accent in the world. Come over here. Let me buy you something.".

"I-It's okay. I already ate. Thanks now I really gotta go. See ya!" I said while making a bee line to the door. Before I was able to push open the door I felt someone pull me back. "Clare wait! Look I'm not gonna hurt you! And last night was just to scare off your little boyfriend. I wasn't planning on killing anyone, I swear." He pleaded. Wow. I never really saw a vulnerable side to him before.

I sighed, thinking of a way to get out of this. "Okay. I believe that you didn't try to kill Eli. But I really need to go. Now if you'll excuse me-"

"Can't you just sit down with me for a few minutes? What if I loose the court case? Then I'll be sent to juvie with no one I know for the rest of the school year, or maybe even longer. I'd really appriciate talking to someone I know before I get sent away. And if you start to feel uncomfortable you can leave any time you want. So what do ya say?"

I finally looked up at his face, which was a bad move. His usually stern face and emotionless blue eyes were replaced with a pair of tortured looking eyes and a softened look. I also couldn't help but notice that he was even paler than usual and that his hair was a complete mess. He must of really had a rough night. I'd be a total beyotch if I said no to him now. I guess I'll go sit down for a few minutes with him, and if he tries to do anything to me, I'll shout Peter's name to come save me. "Well, I guess a few minutes wouldn't hurt anyone, right?" I said while giving him a small smile.

"Great! Thanks so much!" Fitz said has he pulled me into a tight hug.

"Um your welcome." I said while trying to squirm out of his grip. He noticed my discomfort and quickly let go and gave me a sheepish grin. He led me to his table and we sat down in silence for a few moments.

"So..is everything alright? With um your life?" I asked, lamely, desperatley trying to get out of this awkward silence.

"Well considering that I might be sent to juvie and will probably be put on probabtion for a really long time, my life is just peachy. Thanks for asking. It also doesn't help that my dad is gone every night and my mom is going into depression because I'm a failure at life and my dad doesn't love her. How could life get any better?" He said with a sad laugh. For the first time in my life, I actually felt bad for Fitz. I could easily relate to his parental situation, but he had it even worse than I did because he was always in some sort of trouble.

"Oh..I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked." I said as my face started burning. Could I have even asked a more terrible question?

"It's okay. And you don't have to get all embarresed Clare Bear." He said with a wink, which made me turn even more red.

"What can I get for you sir?" Peter said as he walked over, looking Fitz up and down. He obviously didn't like the idea of his ex-girlfriend's little sister hanging out with a guy like Fitz. I mean the boy's body practically screamed badass at you with one look at him.

"Cheeseburger with fries and a Coke." Fitz said, forgetting his manners by not saying please.

"Alright your order should be arriving shortly." said Peter with a fake smile. He leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Is this guy bothering you? I can kick him out if you want."

"No thanks, Peter..at least not yet." I whispered back as he gave me a nod.

"What about you? How is your life?" asked Fitz.

This is a chance to get back at him." Well considering that my boyfriend of one day could've been killed yesterday and my parents are constantly fighting at home, my life is just wonderful. And it doesn't help that I have to pay the consequences of setting off a stink bomb at school in order to help one of my best friends from getting beat up when I go back to Degrassi." Now it was his turn to turn red.

"Yeah..sorry about that. I guess I need to find a better way of dealing with my problems."

"It's okay. You aren't the only one at fault. I told Eli weeks ago to just drop the whole war between you two, but he just wouldn't listen." I said while looking down. Eli is such a great guy but he just needs to know when to stop and let things go. Another few seconds of silence passed until Fitz spoke up again.

"Clare, can I ask you a personal question?

"Well, it depends on the question." I leaned in a bit closer, now getting a little curious.

"Why do you like him?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, a little taken back by the question.

"What is it that makes you like Eli?" He asked again, while looking down at the ground. Why did he want to know? I mean it's not like he liked me or anything.

"There are lots of reasons why I like Eli. I mean he's smart, helpful, mysterious, cute, funny, he understands me like no one else I know-"

"C-Clare?" Oh my God.. "What are you doing with _him?" _I turned around and saw his eyes flash with emotion. Shock, pain, and then anger.

"Eli! I can explain!"I said while getting up.

"Just save it Clare. Because I don't want to hear it." He chocked. No! He can't leave me! Not when I need him most. "I thought you liked me. Why would you betray me like that by hanging out with the guy who tried to kill me just yesterday?" Eli said while stepping back. I think I could even see some tears forming in his eyes.

"But I do like you, Eli! I was just talking to him! Just give me a second and let me explain!" I said, hoping and praying that he would let me explain. But it was already too late. He just shook his head in disgust and walked out the door. I turned back and gave Fitz an apologetic look before I ran after to get back the man I love.

**Cliff hanger hehe! This chapter took a really long time to write for me so please review and I'll try to write the next chapter as soon as I can if school isn't too crazy. and the next chapter will be the same one as this just in Fitz POV. oh and sorry but i couldnt resist not adding a little Parcy into this chapter. I just love Peter so so much haha.**


	4. Alone Again

**OMG UGG! I am soo sorry for the wait :( but when i was halfway through writting this chapter, i forgot to save it and i lost it...sigh. well this is the previous chapter except in Fitz's POV. Degrassi owns everything except for the character Lily.**

**Chapter 3: Alone Again**

**Fitz's POV**

I woke up from the straining light shining in my eyes through the window. I got up from the couch, a little too fast, and fell on the coffe table. Ugh, I was deffinately hung over. I could hardly even see two feet infront of me. I stumbled over to the kitchen drawer to take some asprin. I squinted to read the time on the clock which read, _7:53 AM. _Mom usually gets up at around eightish so I had to hurry to clean up the little mess I made in the living room last night. I swallowed the asprin without even bothering to drink some water with it and walked over to the couch and counted...twelve bottles? I don't even remember going to the fridge and grabbing another pack..

I got a garbage bag and shoved all the bottles inside. I couln't really tell right now, but I bet the whole room reeked with alcohol. I could just blame it on Dad if Mom asked anything. I walked outside and threw the trash away. When I walked back inside, I saw Mom taking some asprin herself. I could swear though, they were depression pills, but she's always telling me they are vitamins or asprin. "Dad home?" I asked her, hoping she'd say yes for her own sake.

"No, hun. He left extra early for work today." She said while trying to smile, but it only came out as a grimace. Left extra early my ass. I bet you he was probably at some other bitche's house trying to start a family that wasn't as screwed as mine. Otherwise we would be rich with all the time he spends at work. Either that or he is hitting the bar again.

"Oh, uh sorry Mom." I mumbled kind of awkwardly. I still kind of felt bad about making her cry last night, well at least I _think _I was the reason why.

"It's fine, Mark...Mark? Are you alright? You look horrible!" She said with an alarming voice while finally looking at me in the face. Crap I bet I did look like hell at the moment. I had to get away fast before she got suspicious.

"Yeah Mom..I uh..had a rough night that's all. Couldn't sleep. Well I'm gonna go upstairs and get ready to...leave or something.." Real smooth Fitzy. I was just glad that she didn't ask anymore questions. She probably already knew that I got wasted last night but she just didn't want to deal with it. Fine with me. But I really did want to get out of the house. If I am going to juvie soon, I need to at least have some fun while I can. I went up the stairs while gripping the railing really tight. I wouldn't want to be falling down the stairs. That would really make her ask questions. I walked down the hall and went inside my bathroom. Good God. Mom wasn't bullshitting when she said I looked horrible. There were dark circles under my eyes and I was starting to break out a bit. My hair looked almost as crazy as Bianca's and it looked like I haven't sleept for days. I tried washing my face, as if that would help. No such luck. I brushed my teeth and shaved quickly. I still looked scary but, whatever. I went to my room and grabbed a pair of jeans off of the floor and put on the first shirt I could find.

"I'm going out. I won't be gone for long."I shouted to Mom while putting on my jacket. Actually, I am going to be gone for long though. I walked outside and instantly felt the cold winter air stinging my face. Dad obviously took the car so I had no choice but to walk to get anywhere today. I heard my stomach growl and decided that I'd go to The Dot first. I was walking down a few blocks until I heard a noise coming from an alley. I turned towards it and couldn't believe my eyes.

"Bruce? Bruce the Moose? Is that really you?" I said but I already knew the answer. There he was stealing yet another street sign, probably for decoration or something.

"Fitz! My man! Long time no see." He said while giving me a brotherly hug and slapping my back.

"I see that you are stealing another sign. And that you still haven't chopped off that hideous hair."I said with a smirk. Didn't he know that he looked rediculous?

"Yeah I think It'd look good in my dorm room. And of course I'm never going to cut my hair!" He said while yanking out the street sign. Wait...did he just say dorm room?

"You're in college?" I said while raising my eyebrows. I mean anyone can get into community college, but I never even thought about Bruce, the former school bully, would even think twice about college. I thought he'd just live in his Mom's basement for the rest of his life or maybe even live on the streets, blowing all his money on crank.

"Yeah I know. I can't believe it either, but I got a family back at home to make proud of. And you know me. If I'm not in school, I might wind up in jail or something." Wow even Bruce had a life. Now I really feel like I'm absolutely nothing. Just then I saw a car pull up by the side of us that had Johnny and a few other people I didn't recognize in it.

"Oh I gotta go man. Merry Christmas!" Said Bruce as he opened the car door. With all the crap that's been happening lately, I completely forgot that Christmas, the happiest time of year, was just around the corner.

"You too! I hope you do well, man. And get a freakin haircut dammit!" I said as the car started to drive away. I think I heard something along the lines of "In your dreams, Faggot!" from Bruce, but I'll just pretend that I didn't hear that.

I finally made it to The Dot and walked in to find a seat, which wasn't that hard because the place was pretty empty at this early hour. I looked around the resturant to see if any of my friends were here. I saw a girl with a familiar blue jacket on and a few curls sticking out of the hood making a beeline to the door. "Clare? Is that you?" I asked the girl as she was halfway to the door. I already knew they answer though. Of course it was Clare.

"Uhh..no?" She said in the saddest fake accent ever. I had to bite my tounge to keep from laughing.

"Okay, I might not be that smart, but I'm smart enough to know that that was the fakest accent in the world. Come over here. Let me buy you something." I said trying to make her see that I wasn't going to hurt her. She probably thought of it as a plan for me to kidnap her or something though.

"I-It's okay. I already ate. Thanks now I really gotta go. See ya!" She said while darting to the door. Even if I was still kind of hurt that she was probably in that little plan to poison me yesterday, I couldn't let her leave yet. I wanted to see her just one last time at least. I got up from my seat and ran towards her to stop her from going so soon. "Clare wait! Look, I'm not gonna hurt you! And last night was just to scare off your little boyfriend. I wasn't planning on killing anyone, I swear." I said desperately. I heard her give a sigh.

"Okay. I believe that you didn't try to kill Eli. But I really need to go. Now if you'll excuse me-"

"Can't you just sit down with me for a few minutes?" I said, cutting her off. I needed her to hear me out. "What if I loose the court case? Then I'll be sent to juvie with no one I know for the rest of the school year, or maybe even longer. I'd really appriciate talking to someone I know before I get sent away. And if you start to feel uncomfortable you can leave any time you want. So what do ya say?" I begged. She finally looked up at me and I think I finally convinced her by the looks of her softened expression.

"Well, I guess a few minutes wouldn't hurt anyone, right?" She said with a small smile, but regret was plastered all over her face.

"Great! Thanks so much!" I pulled her into a bear hug and realized how good she smelled. She was also so warm and soft and- "Umm you're welcome." Clare said while trying to get out of my embrace. Oh crap I am probably making her feel uncomfortable already. I quickly let go of her and gave her my "sorry" face.

I walked over to the table to wait for the waiter to come and take my order. We sat there, awkwardly for a few minutes. I never really had a normal conversation with Clare. I had to remind myself that I was wasting time, and I should be talking to her as much as possible. As I was trying to think of something to say, she broke the silence first. "So..is everything alright? With um your life?" For a smart girl, that was a pretty stupid question. Of course my life wasn't "alright." If anything it was the complete oposite. Not even a life at all. "Well considering that I might be sent to juvie and will probably be put on probabtion for a really long time, my life is just peachy. Thanks for asking. It also doesn't help that my dad is gone every night and my mom is going into depression because I'm a failure at life and my dad doesn't love her. How could life get any better?" I said with a hard laugh. But when I saw her face, I immediately regreted saying that. Her face started turning red and she looked really sorry. I should really learn how to not be an ass all of the time, at least not to girls like Clare.

"Oh..I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked." Clare said. She shouldn't have to apologize for just asking how my life was.

"It's okay. And you don't have to get all embarressed Clare Bear." I said, hoping that would brighten the mood. I also gave her my signature wink that I always give to hot girls. I was surprised to see her blush even deeper. I expected her to roll her eyes or gag.

"What can I get for you sir?" I looked up and saw the waiter look me up and down in a dissaproving way. I really don't blame him though. Girls like Clare usually don't hang with guys like me. But I seriously don't give a damn about what this Pete guy or whatever his name is thinks about me.

"Cheeseburger with fries and a Coke." Not really the normal stuff you order for breakfast, but that's what I always get.

"Alright your order should be arriving shortly." Pete said with a fake smile. Then he leaned over and whispered something in Clare's ear and she whispered back. Then the annoying waiter finally left while nodding at Clare. I wonder what the hell that was all about. How did they know each other anyway? Oh well I was more focused on talking to Clare than wondering about Pete.

"What about you? How is your life?" I asked her. As a responsible Christian girl, I bet her life was the complete opposite of mine.

"Well considering that my boyfriend of one day could've been killed yesterday and my parents are constantly fighting at home, my life is just wonderful. And it doesn't help that I have to pay the consequences of setting off a stink bomb at school in order to help one of my best friends from getting beat up when I go back to Degrassi." Okay so maybe her life isn't as perfect as I thought. Then guilt swept over me, because most of those problems she listed were my fault. I felt my face start to heat up.

"Yeah..sorry about that. I guess I need to find a better way of dealing with my problems."

"It's okay. You aren't the only one at fault. I told Eli weeks ago to just drop the whole war between you two, but he just wouldn't listen." She said while bringing her eyes to the floor. So maybe she wasn't in his little plan after all, but I still don't have a freakin clue why she would date that guy! I don't think Saint Clare usually goes for the gothic emo boys and especially the ones that poison people. I've literally sat down and thought long and hard of any reason why she could like him and couldn't find a single one. It was time for me too find out her reason. I just hope she wouldn't get offended by my noseyness.

"Clare, can I ask you a personal question?"

"Well, it depends on the question." She said while leaning forward a bit. Now I can be slow and be more sensitive about the question or just flat out get the answer, because I was dying to know.

Here goes nothing.."Why do you like him?" I guess I went with the straight forward way.

"Excuse me?" She said, a little confused and annoyed.

"What is it that makes you like Eli?" I repeated, while tearing my eyes away from her beautiful blue ones to the table. I really hope I'll be able to listen to her answer without grimacing.

"There are lots of reasons why I like Eli. I mean he's smart, helpful, mysterious, cute, funny, he understands me like no one else I know-"

"C-Clare? What are you doing with _him?" _No. Effing. Way. Did this kid seriously have to show up right this second? And I thought I hated him as much as possible but I guess I was wrong, because I was seeing red as I looked up at Eli. He gave me a venomous glare and I shot him a deadly one as well. If they weren't already broken up, I hope this does it. I know that sounds selfish because I know how much Clare likes him, but it was for her own good. She deserved a man way better than that bastard.

"Eli! I can explain!" Clare said as she stood up. She sounded like she was about to cry.

"Just save it Clare. Because I don't want to hear it. I thought you liked me. Why would you betray me like that by hanging out with the guy who tried to kill me just yesterday?" He said while stepping back.

"I could have easily killed you if I wanted to smart ass." I growled, but I doubt anyone heard it.

"But I do like you, Eli! I was just talking to him! Just give me a second and let me explain!" Clare begged, but he shook his head in disgust and walked out the door and ran accross the street, dodging cars. I think a taxi missed him by 2 inches. If only the car was driving a little more to the left...

Clare gave me an apologetic look before she ran after him and left me alone again. The heartbreaking look on her face made my stomach wrench though. I always wanted her to leave him but I never wanted him to break her heart. Clare didn't deserve that at all.

Pete walked up with a tray in his hands and placed the food on my table with a loud thud. Too bad I tottally lost my appetite. He then looked at the empty chair that Clare was just sitting at. "Why is Clare gone? If you did something to her, I swear I'll k-"

"Relax, Pete. She just left to run after her boyfriend. I didn't try raping her or anything if that's what you think." I spat.

"Oh well in that case, please enjoy." He said not even bothering to give me a fake smile. "And it's Peter not Pete, Fist." He said while walking to another table to take some chick's order.

"It's Fitz." I said under my breath while gritting my teeth. As some of my anger went away, I was able to think about what Clare's reasons were for why she likes Eli. _He's smart._ Smart? Haha. No. If he were smart, he wouldn't mess with me in the first place. _Helpful_. Yeah right. What did he ever do to help Clare? If anything all he's done is help her with english homework. Other than that, all he's done is set her up for heartbreak and drag her into the war between us two. _Mysterious. _Umm..I guess? But who the heck cares if a guy is mysterious or not. How is that attractive? In my opinnion, it's just plain creepy. _Cute. _No comment. _Funny. _It was pretty funny when I kicked him in the balls. _He understands me like no one else I know. _I stopped and thought about this one for a while. She was once again wrong on this reason. I understand her, and she knows me. She just doesn't know that I get her. I get everything about her except for the fact that she is in love with Dr. Doom. I get why she got laser surgery. I know why she has to get good grades. I can see why she likes to stay out of trouble. I understand why she probably hates my guts.

I just picked at my food for five minutes until I saw Bianca walk through the door looking as slutty as ever."Fitz! I see that you aren't in jail! You had me worried that I was going to have to find a new partner in crime!" Bianca shouted while taking a seat next to me. "Hey, are you alright? You look more pissed than when you told me the tranny kicked you in the balls." She said while putting an arm around me.

"I'm not really in the mood to talk about it." I grumbled as I took my first bite of my burger.

"Aww Fitzy. I hate seeing you all sad and not your usual douche bag self. I know we are just friends and all, but do you want me to help make you feel better, just this one time?" Bianca said seductively while putting a hand on my thigh.

"Thanks, but no thanks, B. I'm not really in the mood." I said while setting down my burger. I just couldn't stomach it. What I needed was some beer. I took out a ten dollar bill and put in on the table, leaving a very low tip for Peter.

"Suit yourself." Bianca said, looking kind of offended. She shouldn't expect every guy to want to get laid by her. Especially me, considering that we've already did some things back when we first met. I noticed her eyeing my burger. "You gonna finish that?"

I rolled my eyes as I slid the plate over to her to eat my barely touched meal. "Thanks hun." She said with a smile. "Damn I'm gonna have to take some diet pills after this.."

After she finished, she spoke up. "Wanna go to the Ravine or something? Grab some beer?"

"Sounds great." I said while getting up. We walked to her car and I heard her cuss under her breath when she saw the ticket she got for parking in the handycap parking spot.

"You know what? Screw this shit." She said while tossing the ticket on the ground. "If the cops ask me any questions, I'll just say I've never seen that ticket in my life and it probably just blew off my windshield before I saw it." I was laughing as I got into her car. I guess this is why I hang out with her. She is a great person to drink with and laugh at. Especially with her insane driving. On our way to the Ravine, she ran two red lights, made an illegal U-turn, and nearly rear ended a Mercedes Benz. Everyday I wonder how she isn't dead or in jail yet.

"Next time, I'm driving. It would kinda suck if your driving was the reason why I died." I told her as I got out of her car.

"No way Fitzy boy. It's my car and I'll drive it. You're free to walk home if you'd like." She snapped back. I just rolled my eyes. Now I remember why I _don't _hang out with Bianca sometimes.

Bianca led me to a group of people. It was then when I realized that the group of people were some of my old friends. "It is such a small world." I said as Johnny and Bruce turned around and greeted me. I guess this is where they left to go to earlier.

"It's a good thing you came. It's only been an hour and Bruce was already crying about how much he misses you." Johnny said while looking up from his book. I never understood how a tough dude like him likes reading. But then again, I never understood how a sweet girl like Clare could like an emo boy like Eli.

"So not true, Johnny." Bruce said as he punched him in the arm.

"Here. Take as many as you want. We'll party all night if it takes your mind off things." Bianca said as she handed me the first of many beer cans. After last night, I thought I should stop drinking so much, but right now my time is limited. So I'll live it up until I get sent off to juvie. Before I took my first sip, I heard a female's voice crying from behind me. I turned around and saw no other than a heartbroken Clare Edwards crying her heart out by herself over a stupid boy. I remember how Lily would get all emotional over boys too, and I would always be there for her. This was no different. I walked over to the bench she was sitting on. "Hey." I said quietly.

"Hey." She sniffed.

"I take it that things didn't go well with Eli. Want to talk about it?"

"Not really." She said while looking down. I haven't gotten a chance to look at her face since I first sat down with her. I don't like that.

"Clare, I'm truely sorry. I should have never made you sit down with me at breakfast. I'm sorry that I ruined everything."

"It doesn't matter what you did, Fitz. Eli didn't even give me a chance to explain. And when he finally let me talk, he wouldn't believe me. What kind of boyfriend is that? Like I said before, the worst part is that I actually fell for him. How stupid of me. He's no different than K.C.! I mean Eli didn't ditch me for a blonde bimbo but he stole my heart and stomped on it, just like K.C. Ugh! I am so done with boyfriends! I should have stuck to my policy from nineth grade! Go to school to learn not for boys!" She sobbed. Her tears were flowing like rivers now and I had to calm her before she had a breakdown.

"Shhh it's okay. Those guys aren't even worth crying over for." I said as soothingly as possible as I rubbed her back. "If you ask me, I think those guys are idiots for ever leaving you. If I had you, I wouldn't even care if you cheated on me, yelled at me everyday, or even shot me in the foot. I would love you and keep you until the day you told me to leave." I said truthfully as I wiped a tear off of her right cheek. She finally looked up at me and I stared into her baby blues. They were red from all of the crying but still beautiful, nonetheless.

"Y-you really think so?" She asked. I nodded and looked at the ground. Great. I probably just creeped her out and now she is going to leave me all alone again. "That might just be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, Fitz." She smiled and then leaned closer to me as she pressed her lips on my left cheek. My eyes widened but then closed as I took everything in for that quick momment. But she didn't pull away as fast as I thought she would. She lingered for just a few more seconds and the slowly removed her lips from my cheek and stared into my eyes. At that moment my brain completely stopped working but I knew this was going to be a big mistake. I didn't care. I closed the gap between us and I crashed my lips onto hers. I was astonished when she didn't pull away and slap me in the face. She actually started kissing back. I had to resist slipping my tongue inside because I had to remember that this was Saint Clare I was kissing. After a few more seconds of pure ecstasy, she pulled away, breathing heavily. Her face showed remorse all over it. I knew it was a mistake.

"Fitz I-"

"No Clare. Don't say sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about. I'm the one who should be sorry. I get it if you want to take it back." I said while turning the other way. Keep it together, Fitz. You can't cry infront of a girl.

"Fitz, I still love Eli. No matter what, I always will. But that doesn't mean I'm getting back with him." She said. Well what is that supposed to mean? "And like I said earlier, I'm done with having boyfriends, so Fitz I can't go out with y-"

"Clare I am not expecting you to go out with me. We just got caught up in the moment. I myself, wouldn't want a girlfriend, except for you. They all just hurt you in the end, so that's why I just might hook up with a girl one time, and never see her again. It saves the heartache but it keeps you from being lonely."

"Are you saying that I can just randomly make out with you without you being my boyfriend, and you are okay with that?" YESSSS! I shouted inwardly.

"Well, yeah I guess." I said trying to keep it cool on the outside.

"That is a very nice offer, but I'm afraid that isn't what good Christians do." Darn. I probably wouldn't ever see her again anyway.

"Well, does this mean we can be friends?" I asked hopefully.

"Of course." She said while flashing her teeth. I looked down at my hand and realized that I have been holding the beer can this whole time. I took my first sip and saw Clare looking at me.

"Want a sip? It will help you feel better." I knew it was a dumb question though, because Clare would never drink. I was shocked when I saw her hesitate a bit, but she finally said, "That's okay. But thankyou for the offer."

"No problem, Clarebear."

"Fitz?"

"Yeah?"

"Please stop calling me that. I've always hated that name." I felt kind of bad now, because I have been calling her that and I hate it when people call me Mark.

"Sorry, Saint Clare." I said with a smirk. She just rolled her eyes.

"I really should be going soon." She said while playing with a skull ring that had to be Eli's. Her eyes looked painfully sad, but not because she had to leave. I could see that it was because she missed him, even after such a short time. It was then when I finally understood. I didn't exactly know why, but I could just see that she truely loved him. That there will never be anyone who she'll love more than him, and I'm just going to have to live with that. She got up and said goodbye to me but I had to tell her. It was now or never. "Clare, wait." She turned around and lifted an eyebrow.

"Remember how you said that you didn't want a boyfriend?"

"Fitz I told you I can't be your girlfriend." She said, jumping to conclusions.

"No Clare. What I'm trying to say is...is...be with Eli!" I can't believe I actually said that. Her jaw dropped and she was speechless. "I can see that you are happiest when you have his heart. Eli will take you back. Just give him some time. Just promise me that you'll win him back. Promise me that you'll be happy. I want to know that when I'm all alone in juvie. I want to know for sure that you'll be happy." I saw some tears form in her eyes and she walked closer to me.

"I promise that I will get Eli back. I promise that I will be happy, Fitz." She said as she gave me a goodbye kiss on the cheek.

"Good. I hope to see you again, someday." I said as she turned around to leave. I felt a tear come out of my left eye. Man, I was such a pansy. Before she took another step, she turned around and said one more final thing to me.

"Oh, and try to be good Fitzy. I expect you to do good in life." Then I watched her walk away as I processed what she just said. No one's ever expected me to do good in life since Lily died. Just that one simple sentence will put a smile on my face everyday as I serve time in juvie. And even though I might not have a life, the girl I love has one and that's enogh to keep me going. Because if I know she's happy, I know I'll be happy too.

I walked back to find Bianca stepping out of some dude's car while buttoning up her shirt. Typical Bianca. "Did you have fun, B.?" I asked her jokingly as I put an arm around her as we sat down on a log.

"You know it, Fitz." She said as she handed me another beer. I was completely heartbroken yet absolutely happy. But I just decided to drink whether I was happy or sad. As it got dark, all my friends and I laughed around the bonfire and stared at the stars. By the end of the night, Bianca and I were so wasted that there was no way we could drive back home, so I just slept in the back of her car like I usually do when we get wasted. "B.?" I said.

"Hmmm?" She grunted as she adjusted her front seat to make it flat to sleep on.

"I might be going to juvie, so we might not see each other for a while." I decided to break the news to her now while she was drunk so she wouldn't overreact.

"That not good." She whined.

"I know, but we'll still be best friends?" I yawned.

"You know it, Fitzy." She said with a hiccup.

And with that, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

**Took me forever to write this chapter so I hope you guys like it! Its 1:15 AM right now haha. And btw the next chapter might not be up until a little while but this is NOT i repeat NOT the end yet!**


	5. Promise

**hey guys sorry for the SUPPPPERRR long wait. i've been really stressed lately from school but now that its winter break, I can write! and you know how i said eclare was promised in my prolouge?...im having second thoughts about how i'll end this story... but dont worry i dont plan on ending this any time soon**

**Chapter 4: Promise**

**Clare's POV**

_Just promise me that you'll win him back. Promise me that you'll be happy. _Fitz's words repeated in my head over and over again as I sprinted to Eli's house. That was a promise that I planned on keeping not only for Fitz, but for me. I finally made it to Eli's street and I saw Morty parked on his driveway which meant he was probably home. I ran up the steps and pounded on his door. When there was no response I rang the doorbell about a dozen times before I pounded once more. "Eli, answer the door! Hear me out!" I shouted as loud as I could. He still didn't come to the door. He was being so difficult! I took out my phone and called him two times but they went straight to voicemail. I sighed in frustration.

"Eli...please," I shouted once more, only to get no response again. Is he really that mad at me? Mad enough to not even talk? Maybe he wasn't home..maybe he went out for a walk or something. Right as I turned around to head back home, the front door swung wide open, revealing a red-eyed, Elijah Goldsworthy. "Eli! I'm so sorry!" I shouted as I ran up to him and hugged him as tight as humanly possible. After a few seconds I realized that he wasn't hugging back and that he was staring blankly out onto the street, not daring to make eye contact.

"Come inside," he said quietly as I followed him into his living room. I sat down on the black leather couch as he sat across from me on a chair. He was looking out the window while I was studying the lines in the hard wood floor, thinking about what I should say. I could tell him that I was doing nothing more than talking to Fitz at the Dot, which was entirely truthful, but he would still be hurt and furious that I actually agreed to do so. And then there was the kiss at the Ravine...oh God. Guilt swept over me as I thought about how stupid I was to kiss Fitz. I mean I was a mess at the moment but I still should have listened to my brain rather than my impulse. We've only been broken up for a short period of time and I've already locked lips with another man. And to make matters worse, that man was his arch enemy. I couldn't tell Eli about this. Not right now at least. That would be like adding gasoline to a massive fire.

"I was just talking to him, Eli." I finally said, looking up from the floor. He was still staring itently out the window. He was still completely silent and motionless as I waited for him to say something back. A few minutes went by and there was nothing but the sound of the ticking clock that was driving me absolutely insane. I also couldn't stand the big space between us with that giant coffee table between us. I wanted nothing more than to leap onto him and kiss and make up, but things weren't going to be that simple.

"Why?" Eli said as he finally looked me in the eyes. They were intense and even scary for the first time. "Do you know how dangerous that guy is Clare? He could have hurt you! He nearly killed me just yesterday! I can't loose you Clare! Especially not to him," he cried out as he shot up from his chair. He walked over and sat down on the spot next to me and took my hands. I was at a complete loss of words.

"When I saw you with Fitz, something snapped in me. Whether it was hurt, anger, jealousy, I dont know. But it made me furious with just the sight of you and him together. I'm sorry for not letting you explain." he said as his eyes burned into mine.

"Why on earth are YOU apologizing Eli? I'm the one who has been so unfair to you!" I shouted while holding back my tears.

Eli ended up taking me back so easily and I felt more guilty than ever before for cheating. Wait I didn't cheat, did I? After all he did dump me at the Dot so when I kissed Fitz, it wasn't technically cheating. UGH why did he have to kiss me and make things so hard! Just then, Eli crashed his lips onto mine, and all of my guilt faded away for a just little while. I put my hands on the back of his neck as I deepened the kiss. He never kissed me this way before. He was urgent and rough as if he were afraid that I were to leave any moment now. He moved from my mouth to my neck and traveled up until he reached my ear and whispered, "Because I love you, that's why."

He pulled back and gave me a small smile. I was breathing heavily but I managed to say, "I love you too, Eli."

Eli's face turned serious again and he leaned in closer to me, grabbing my hands again. "Clare, I need you to promise me something. I need your assurance."

"What is it?" I asked. What kind of assurance did he need?

"I need you to promise me...that you will never hang out with Fitz anymore. Stay away from him. If he ever talks to you, walk away or call me. I want you no where near that bastard." He said as he squeezed my hands harder. I almost wanted to tell him that if I didn't talk to Fitz earlier at the Ravine, I wouldn't have even shown up at his door. I would have been home right now, swearing that I would never have a boyfriend again despite my strong feelings for Eli. But I obviously can't tell him about the whole Ravine episode today. So the least I could do is keep this promise to not associate with Fitz, but that wasn't fair to Fitz either. Just earlier today I told him that we could be friends and now I have to make sure that I dont even talk to him. I must have been thinking for a while because Eli said, "Clare? Will you promise me? I mean it's not going to be hard to ignore him. He's probably going to jail anyway so-"

"Yes. I promise to have nothing to do with Fitz anymore," I blurted before I changed my mind. Eli sighed in relief as he wrapped his arms around me for a tight embrace. I thought I felt guilty just five minutes ago, but it was nothing compared to what I was feeling now. I was such a terrible person. If Fitz ever see's me again, wondering if my life has been okay, I'm just going to have to run away and leave him there, completely hanging and confused. But at least I'm keeping Fitz's promise by getting back with Eli. That count's for something, right?

"It's just that I care about you too much. I'm not trying to be mean, but I just don't trust him," Eli said as he pulled back. I nodded and looked down, noticing something dark around his wrists.

"What happened?" I questioned as I reached over to touch his wrist but he pulled his black sleeve down to cover it.

"It's, uh nothing. Do you want to watch some TV right now?" he said, shakily while grabbing the remote. I snatched his hand and pulled up his sleeve to reveal dozens of scars and three deep, recent looking gashes on his arm and wrist. It was even worse than Adam's horrible burns. The sight immediately brought tears to my eyes and he tried covering it up but I didn't let him.

"What the hell is this? Wh-why? H-how d-did-" my voice was cracking and I couldn't get my words straight or even comprehend what I was seeing.

"Clare it's nothing. Don't worry about it-"

"Don't you dare tell me it's nothing! Tell me how you got those right now!" I screamed. Eli sighed and his eyes started to water.

"E-earlier today I was upset when I saw you with Fitz a-and I didn't know how to deal with it so I-"

"So you _cut_ yourself? And you were worried about me getting hurt from Fitz? Eli do you know how bad this is for you? Did you even stop and think as to how much this would hurt others around you as well?" I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. I couldn't believe Eli did this, just because he saw me with Fitz.

Almost as if he read my mind, he said, "It's not just because I saw you with Fitz today and broke up with you. I used to do it a lot." He said as he looked away in shame.

"Was it because of Julia?" I whispered. I couldn't think of any other reason for why he would hurt himself since he blamed her death on himself.

"Yes. After she died, my life pretty much turned into a living hell. I didn't know what to do so I hurt myself because I felt like I deserved it."

"So you've been hurting yourself all this time? Don't you know that there are healthier ways to cope with pain?" I croaked.

"No Clare, I haven't been doing this the whole time. I stopped once I met you. I don't feel the need to do this to myself when I'm with you. I almost..I almost feel like a better person. I almost forget that I'm not a complete monster when I'm with you. But today, when I thought I lost you to him, the feeling just came back." His whole body was shaking and he put his head in his hands. I rubbed circles on his back and rested my head on his shoulder to calm him down.

"Eli, you have to have more faith in me. I would never leave you for Fitz and you _are_ a good person. Julia's death was not your fault. Not even a little bit. You'll never be a monster." I said and he looked me in the eyes again.

"God, I love you so much." He said as he leaned in and kissed me again.

"Eli," I moaned in between his firery kisses. He barely licked my lower lip before I tore myself from him. It took all my willpower to do so but I had to say what I had to say before I got completely lost in his kiss.

"You need to promise me something too," I said looking straight into his beautiful green eyes.

"Anything."

"Swear that you will never purposely hurt yourself again, under any circumstances." I gave him my pleading look as I waited for his answer.

"I swear," he said with a smile but it didn't reach his eyes. I guess I was just going to have to trust him.

"Good, now where is the blade that you used? You need to throw it away now," I said with a stern voice. He didn't look pleased but he got up and headed down the hall, towards his room I assume.

I was going to get up to follow him but he said, "Uh stay here. I'll go get it." He didn't even want his own girlfriend in his room? That's weird. I just decided to shrug it off though. That doesn't mean something's bad in there. His room is probably just a little untidy or something.

He came back with a knife that looked almost exactly like the one Fitz had at Vegas Night. So the boy was petrified when Fitz pulled a knife on him but he was cutting himself with his own knife? I didn't understand it. He handed me the knife and I saw traces of blood on the tip, which made me slightly lightheaded. I walked over to the trashcan and threw it in. "Now I'm going to trust you to not get that knife back ok? Or use any other knifes for anything other than food purposes."

"You can trust me, Clare," he said sincerely. After a few minutes he asked,"So what do you want to do today?"

Crap! I totally forgot that I had to be home to go to my grandmother's house! "Oh my gosh Eli. I'm so sorry! I completely forgot that I had to go to my Grandma's house. Can I get a ride?"

"Sure. Let's go," Eli said. I could tell that he was a bit disappointed though. Eli cranked up some heavy metal music when we got in Morty so we didn't talk much during the ride. After about five minutes we reached my house and I saw my mom putting some of my bags into her car.

"Thanks for the ride. I'll see you in two weeks unless you get suspended for the ipecac," I laughed while I gave him a peck on the cheek.

"Thank you for your optimism. Oh Clare, wait! I uh got you something for Christmas," he said while pulling out a small black box with a red bow on it. _Of course Eli would use black wrapping paper _I thought to my self as I took the box.

"Wow I almost forgot it was almost Christmas! Which is strange because its freezing cold outside. And you didn't have to get me a gift, Eli." I said as I gave him a hug.

"Of course I have to!" Eli laughed and I went inside to go get him his gift which was the new Dead Hand CD that he's been talking about. I handed him the bag and gave him one last hug.

"Don't open it 'til Christmas!" I shouted as he drove off.

"Come on Clare, let's go," My mom said as she got into the car. The long drive to Grandma's house gave me a lot of time to think about how crazy my life was at the moment. With my parents fighting, the whole Fitz scenario, and hiding the whole kiss from Eli, I don't know how I'll be able to handle the next semister. I tried to just forget about it for now as I studied the small box that contained Eli's gift, curious as to what was inside.

"Everything alright?" My mom asked in concern, probably noticing my worried face and silence.

"There's just a lot of things going on right now, and I feel really horrible," I mumbled not wanting to lie to my mom, but not wanting to tell her everything that's been going on.

"I know honey and my life hasn't been so easy lately either, but cheer up! It's almost Christmas!" My mom said trying to lighten the mood.

"It won't be the same without Dad and Darcy."

"Dad promised that he would stay on Christmas AND Christmas Eve. And not to mention New Years too!" I couldn't tell if she actually believed that Dad would show up or if she was just trying to make me feel better. I didn't want to tell her that Dad was more likely to get hit by a bus than spending Christmas with us so I just smiled and stayed quiet. I had nothing else to do and soothing Christian music was on which was starting to make me tired. I tilted the seat back and closed my eyes. Before I fell asleep I thought of that amazing kiss I shared with Eli earlier. Unfortunately, the very last thought I had before I fell asleep was of one particular person who I was banished from ever talking to again. And what that one particular person said brought tears to my eyes, which was,"_If you ask me, I think those guys are idiots for ever leaving you. If I had you, I wouldn't even care if you cheated on me, yelled at me everyday, or even shot me in the foot. I would love you and keep you until the day you told me to leave." _ How can I ever not speak to some one who said something as wonderful as that? And why am I so upset about keeping my amazing boyfriend's promise? Why did life have to be so damn difficult?

**hmm..i dont feel so confident about this chapter. I hope you guys like it more than I do. oh and Happy New year everyone! please ****REVIEW**** even if u hate it:) And please dont hate me for making Eli a cutter in this story. I never really thought of him as a cutter but it just kind of came to me as I was writting this story because I know someone who I once knew who had this problem because unlike Eli, she actually was the cause of one of her friend's death. and since eli belives that its his fault for julia's death, i decided to put that in the story. but dont worry, she got help and she doesnt do it anymore, well so i've heard.**


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